A couple things I remembered

So church on base was one of the loudest sacraments I have ever been in besides those huge family wards in Utah. It seemed like everyone was sick and actually probably was. I mean everyone was sneezing, coughing, and sniffling. It was crazy. But you need to realise that these people don't really sleep and are worked to the bone so it made sense for them to be that way, but you had to feel sorry for them. Jeez I wanted to make them all take a nap and give them medicine! But still it was one of the most spiritual sacraments I had been in for a long time.

Joe's weekend Graduation

So if I don't blog about this soon I am never going to get to it I'm afraid. So last weekend May 15 thru the 18th was Joe's graduation weekend. I stayed at a hotel called the Red Carpet Inn which was like 1 mile away from the base so it was amazingly close. I was there Thursday night thru Sunday morning.
Basically I worked half a night (not even only 3 hours) on Thursday and then made the drive to Great Lakes, IL to my hotel. I arrived there around 11 and made a call to both of our parents to let them know I was alright. It really was only like a 2 hour drive which was also very nice and short. So I unpacked some things and figured out what I was going to wear the next morning and climbed into bed probably around 11:30. I didn't feel tired so I turned on the T.V. (tv is a treat to me because I haven't had cable for like 4 months now) and just watched True tv because that's what channel it was on. So I watched two episodes of speeders and it was like 12:30 and I was thinking that I was sup post to be getting up around 5:30 to be ready by the time Joe's parents showed up for us all to go together. So I turned off the tv and lied there for a really long time. I would guess close to a half hour of just adjusting and readjusting myself to sleepy. So I finally fall asleep and around 2:30 I awake to the sound of luggage wheels rolling on the sidewalk outside of my hotel room. So I was awake the rest of the night. I just read and didn't feel tired at all, it was bad!
So the next morning (Friday) I think I got out of bed (mind you only getting like an hour and a half of sleep) around 5:20 and showering and getting ready for the graduation. So the free breakfast started at 6 which I had a donut and juice because that's all their free breakfast consisted of. So after I was ready and ate my donut I just waited for Joe's parents and Joe's nephew Brok who showed up around 8:00 and we headed over to the base.
The ceremony started at 9:00 which they had the naval band play, and the choir sing, and the flag people do their thing. So it was fun to watch and listen. They also played a little video that showed of some of the stuff they had to go thru like the gas chamber and how they folded their clothes. So the ceremony only went till 10:30 and there was this big rush of people trying to get out to see their recruit. So I got separated from my party and all the recruits looked the same! I just looked for tall ones and that didn't help. I saw Joe's nephew Brok and Joe's dad and followed them. Joe was so handsome! He lifted me off the ground with a great big hug and a kiss! It was so cute!
After Joe reported for guard (which they let him go right away, but still had to report) we wondered around the NEX which is a military store that has everything from sanitary needs to watches to t shirts that you'd send to your family. So after we had all got what we wanted we went looking for somewhere to eat. That was fun! Not really! Joe's mom seemed to know where we were going but not really. She had me go off some exit and then make several turns and then every place that looked good (even though Joe was sup post to be picking a place) wasn't good enough or to fancy. So we ended up at this Italian place that was kinda pricey, but I didn't care. Joe and I were snuggled up close in the booth and nothing else seemed to matter. Even when Joe's mom had told Joe of last weeks events (which was the big story of the previous Saturday night) things seemed good. Plus it was so cute how Joe and I couldn't help but be super cuddly! I love it!
After eatting we went back to the hotel and Joe's family left and Joe and I got some alone time. That's all I need to say about that! I had to have Joe back at the base by 8 so we left around 7:15 because even though I was really close he had to change out of his dress whites (the uniform he was wearing) into something else before he could report back in. After dropping him off I decided that I wanted to find some food so I go wondering and end up by six flags and get some Quezon's where Joe's dad calls me and tells me Joe's mom went off at Brok and now he was trying to get my to drive 2 hours round trip to go get Brok so he can come stay with me. I told him I had to think about that (I am very directionally challenged and didn't want to get lost going to look for this place plus I didn't want to do it) and he told me that was fine so I start eatting my food and he calls me again telling me that he will bring Brok to me and I said that fine. So Brok is like 16 and he was very upset when he got to the hotel. There wasn't a pool or anything I could tempt him with so I just set him on the wifi and my laptop and pretty much watched a little tv and around 10:00 I was done for and fell asleep.
I didn't hear my alarm clock go off but thankfully Joe had called me around 7:45 and said it was ok for me to come pick him up. I went to get him in my pjs and brought him back to the hotel. We had two friends Nate and Jeremy coming down from Fond du Lac to go to six flags with us. So we went to the Gurney Mills mall to wait for them. We got there like 9:45 and only 1 store was open. It was bed bath and beyond so we wondered around there. We ended up running into Walter who is a guy Joe met the day he left Fondy and they went to basic at the same time, but weren't in the same division so they didn't see each other but a couple times. So that was cool. So we went the arcade and Jeremy called and said he was there so we went outside and waited for them. I had accidentally told them the wrong exit and we didn't meet up till around 11 and then we went to six flags.
We get to six flags and it's packed. The bright side is that we only paid $26 a ticket thanks to a promotion we found online. We road Superman, some weird one that was an indoor coaster and American Eagle and decided to go see Start Trek in the IMax and left. So we went to Steak and Shake for lunch and found out the IMax theater was an hour away. So we thought we should have gotten are hands stamped so we could have gotten back in six flags, but none of us had. So then we decide to go back to Gurney Mills mall and just watch it in their theater. So it was an ok movie. We had Jeremy and Nate take Brok back to town and Joe and I had some more alone time. I had to get him back by 7 that night.
So Sunday morning I get up around 5:30 because church starts at 7 on base and Joe told me to get there early. So i get to the base around 6:50 and they tell me they aren't letting people onto the base till 7. So i find a parking lot and just wait till 7 to get back. So when I get to the base there is a small line of cars and then when I get to the chapel (all the Churches met in the same building just had different rooms for each denomination) I can't find Joe. The guy at the door pretty much tells me that I should just wait for Joe. So I'm waiting and it's like 7:15 and I start getting nervous, mind you I am in like a strapy sandal high heel shoe and a knee length dress when everyone else is in uniform so I feel really out of place. So someone else comes up to me and ask me what church I am looking for and helps me find it. I was there right at the same time. I guess they use the first 15 minutes to do some kind of opening thing so I didn't miss anything. So they started with relief society which consisted of 2 solders and a teacher a member missionary. So it was small! So it was nice though. I didn't say anything unless if asked to because I didn't want to take anything away from the 2 solders. I read whatever I was asked to read and that was that.
Sacrament meeting was also pretty small. I bet there was less than 50 people there. One of the solders from relief society her name was Bishop (last name) and she was super nice. She said she could wear a dress and makeup like I was. She was great and kept me occupied till the boys came in. Joe passed the sacrament (the bread was kinda hard and the water was in those paper cups which always taste bad) with 3 other guys. It was nice to see him passing because he didn't get to do it much at home. There were 3 talks and they were all really uplifting. I really enjoyed it.
After church we went to the hotel so I could change my clothes and we set off to find something to eat. We found an Olive Garden in Gurney and are waitress was nice enough to take a picture of us outside in front of the restaurant. We wondered around the mall again just talking. We found and Internet cafe and did that for a half an hour. We then went to the hotel to pack up my stuff and we set off again. We found a park and Joe make some phone calls to friends and family. We also just talked. We also wondered around the base for alittle bit. It was nice to just be the two of us, but it also meant that it was are last day together. So when the mighty clock got close to 8 I started to get nervous. I didn't want him to go. But he had to. He was so nice! I told him how much that I love him and it felt so good to say it because I didn't say it last time that we departed. He then walked off back to his barracks and I drove away. I miss him a lot!
I have never loved him more or been more proud of him!

As the signs of love fade.

As the signs of love fade you go back to where you were inishally. I don't like where I was inshally. As the fresh memories start to blur around the edges you start to wonder what exactly was real and just a wish. I want to keep those memories. As every passing day come and goes you are once again aware that you are alone. People keep living their lives and probably don't think about you even if you have them in your own thoughts. People can really suck sometimes. But as the time goes on you are once again reminded that you are getting older and some things will never be the same that they had been at one point.
So my dilema is that even if I prayed for something and now I don't know if I want it. Is it bad to not do something that you had gotten a "yes" answer to? Is that like denying the spirit when you don't follow the promtings that you had received through prayer? Because that's something I don't want, I just don't know if I still feel the same way I did about a situation that I did a month ago. WHAT DO I DO? I guess right now I will just keep thinking about it.

Huh! I don't what I keep doing wrong!

So this last month has been really ruff on me. I have had some major in-law issues that caused me to stop talking calls in fear of being moved to tears from a few mean phrases. So that's been wonderfully horrible for me.
Also, like 3 sundays ago I went to Green Bay with 4 other church members to go see the Papinga's (he's a football player for the packers and a member of the church) and they gave a fireside about dating and relationships. I know it was for single adults, but i had nothing better to do and I offered my car to take it down. So it was nice to see what their views on dating were, but they were completely against dating in high school, which kinda offened me, but everything else they said was really good. It kind of sucked that we came in like 30 minutes late and had to go sit in the front row. We got a little lost getting there. So over all that was a nice exsperience, but coming home everything went all wrong.
So we couldn't find 41 South to head back to home, so we saw the sign for a back highway 151, so we figured as long as we knew where we were going that's all that mattered. So we didn't leave the fireside till after 9:15 or possibly a little later. So heading back on 151 we started hearing this really strange noise around 10ish and so we had to pull over to chech it out.
My brand new tired (well they were less than a month old) was completely flat! So Joey Prelwitz goes into total guy mode and gets all the stuff out to change the tire. So then when he got all that done we couldn't get the spair tire to drop from underneath the truck. I don't know if you have ever seen this, but there is a spair tire that sits underneath some cars and not inside of them and that's what the case is for my blazer. So the relase was stripped so we couldn't get a good enough grip to get it to drop, so we started to make calls. I called my mom not knowing what to do. Joey got the idea to call Brydon O'Hara from church, because he's a big car guy. So he called him and Brydon gave us a couple things to try, like having someone under the car to just try to pull the tire loose. Well that did nothing except make Joey all muddy. So we also had a guy stop and try to help us road side and we tired to cut the cable that holded the tire and that didn't work, because the cable was a little stronger than what we had.
Then we call Brydon again and he agrees to come out to us and try to help. He brought a spair tire and it was around 11:40 when he showed up. So we got to sit in the car waiting for him for about an hour. We were talking about all the scary movies that happen when you are in that kind of situaion, stranded on the side of the road. We should have tried to sleep, because we had 3 high school students and one who had to work at 5 in the morning. But it was nice to talk to eachother. Steven Feustel kept putting his head out the window, so I kept having to put the window lock on because I was afraid he was going to get his head hit by a passing car. The highway had like zero traffic, i think the whole time we were out there, there was less than 12 cars that passed by us. Did I also mention that is was raining and cold? It sucked!
So Brydon showed up around 11:40 and his spair that he brought didn't fit and he had that same goofy tired thing on his mini van and his fire would not drop down. So we made a trip to the local walmart in Chilton, which was about 7 miles away from where we were. The time was now a little after midnight, so it wasn't really sunday anymore, so we loaded up on soda and chips and stuff. I wish i would have bought some food, I just a soda and Sam Preter gave me some chips and Cassandra Sprague gave me some of her milk duds. Nothing like that to take away the hunger. So we got the patch stuff and headed back to the tired. We all waited in the mini van as Joey and Bradon worked on patching the tire.
So they got the tire patched and Sam and Joey wanted to ride back to town with me and Cassandra and Steven were going to stay in the van with Brydon. So once I got into the drivers side to try to turn the car on, the battery was dead! I always forget this part! So when Brydon showed up and he was working on the tire, the power locks kept locking themselves. While was waited for him, we had problems with the locks, because I kept trying to unlock the door after it was locked and nothing happened. Like i said we were talking about scary stories, so we locked the door when we got in, but we couldn't get them to unlock, because I think we wanted to get something from the back. So that was strange! So they were going crazy and my doom light kept going off and on also along with the locks!
So Brydon didn't have jumper cables so we went back to Walmart! We all sat in the car this time, but Brydon and Joey went in together. So we get that and get back to the car, it's probably now around 1:40, and of course my hood latch was broken, so you couldn't pop the hood. So then we called info and Brydon posed as Joe and said in a message for the police department that we would come back tomorrow to get it. So we figured problem solved.
So I get home around 2:30 and around 3 o'clock the Wapauka police department call me and tell me they never got the message, but also that the truck was to close to the road and was a road hazard and I had 2 hours to move it or they were going to tow it themselves. I was afraid it would get impounded or something like that. So the lady said I could make a few phone calls and I could get back to her. So I had Joe's dad call me because the police department called them first (I think it's because his licence address is still his parents) and he just wanted to make sure I was alright. I told him a quick story and then called my mom to ask her about towing stuff. I was really freaking out mind you, I have never had this many things go wrong in a day.
So I end up calling the police department and they reffered me to someone, so I called Scott's towing in Chilton and they got it for me and the I went to sleep after I wrote a letter to Joe about it and then the police department called again around 4:40 to make sure I had the car moved.
The next day was an early one trying to get out there to get the car from the towing place and get it to the shop. On the bright side I didn't have to pay for the tire replacement, because I had insurance on it and towing was only $126 and I was able to make it into work by 2.

Just a day to myself

So it's been almost 2 weeks since I have heard Joe's voice. I am still doing really peachy. I can't believe how things have been going, things have been going really good. Money have been coming at me from different directions. I got an unexpected $600 from the government and $50 from a really old prescription refund. So hopefully Joe will start getting paid this month so that I can get all things will start getting paid off.
So today was conference and after I just came home to myself. I am feeling like I want to be alone again, but this last week I only had 1 day to myself. It's almost like being warn out, but it's like if I spend time by myself it's like Joe might be here. I know he's not going to be here, but we used to do Sunday nights alone were we would watch movies, play Warcraft 3, or a different game. It was just an us this and I miss that the most I think.
So things have been going slow some days and really fast others. At work I always make sure I have one hand on my cell phone when I am doing something loud just in case he is going to call. I haven't talked to him yet. I just want to talk to him bad. It was his birthday today and I just wanted to tell him happy birthday and ask him what he would like for his birthday if any thing at all.
I looked up Joe's graduation date and I am going to ask off work. I know my boss is going to go through the roof because he hates it when people take off Fridays and it'll be the 3rd month in a row that I have taken off on a Friday. I don't think there is going to be another Friday before I quite, or at least I hope so. But I might be taking off in July for the 4th, but I don't know if that is going to work out for me. Well I guess that's all that is going on right now.

Getting close to a week

So in about 12 hours from right now will be exactly a week since I last saw Joe. I don't know what I am doing yet. Living alone is really messing me up emotionally, physically and mentally. The place is a mess because I haven't had anyone over for the last week. I still go through my spirts of being upset and ushally cry alittle and I just haven't felt the same since last week. Things that I didn't think about before Joe are really starting to get to me. I didn't think missing intamacy of having him here would affect me so much. I miss coming home to a hug and a kiss after a long days work. I miss having a warm body in my bed who would talk to me until I felt ready to go to sleep. I miss the person who would give me a message or just cuddle with me. Everything I miss I think I miss just because I know I can't have it. I can't have him here and so I miss everything!
I was at my parents for dinner tonight and after wards I went for a small drive through lakes side park (a place Joe and I would go for a drive in all the time) and I just decided I couldn't go home and just sit there all night. I decided to call my friend Jason and ask him over for a movie. He inturn invited me to his place, which was fine. So I spent most of the first half there talking to his cousin that just wanted to talk about going out to the bar and the second half I spent with Jason, Jeremy, and Nate (Jeremy and Nate are Jason's 2 roommates). I have known these 3 guys a long time. Jason I have known since like kindergarden and Nate and Jeremy would be since like 8th grade or so. So I guess I was just happy to spend time with someone. Then I started to think that there really aren't to many people I can just call up at 9 o'clock at night for a movie. I wish I had a group of people I could just call at 1 o'clock in the morning and do something with, but I don't think there is really anyone. Nights are ushally hard in everything for me. I am lucky this last week I ushally came home from work really tired and did stuff till I was about to fall asleep and just crawl into bed and sleep. But I know nights are going to be getting hard, because they aren't as easy as they have been. I am not sure why, but i don't know what to do about it.
I need to figure out what to do with Joe's stuff. I guess if I put his stuff out of sight it's like I won't think about him. I don't want that. It's funny, his shoes are still by the door, his coat still hanging on the back of a chair, and his razors are still on the counter in the bathroom. I don't want him to really be gone. I want him still here like he had never left. I wish I could just tell him I love him more than anything!

2 Minute Call and a Dead Man's Box

So on Tuesday Joe made a 2 minute call to possibly me because if he called me I had no signal and he didn't leave a message and he called his parents who had their phone off. All he said when he left a message for them was "goodbye." So the one phone call he gets for only 2 minutes and no idea when he will get again to call again and he got to talk to no one! I feel so bad. I just wanted to tell him that I was proud of him and that I love him so much, because I don't know if I if I told him I loved him right as he was leaving. Even though I know he must know with all his heart that I do love him. I miss him!
So Micke warned me about getting a box of the clothes that my brother was wearing (even his underwear) and it was all put in a box. So when she got her box she said it was really creepy like he was dead. So we started to call it "the dead man's box." I got my box in the mail today. I was hoping there was going to be a note or something, but all there was was the writing of the address (which Joe wrote) on the outside of the box.
I was talking to my friend Chia this week and she said something that completely took me by surprise. Her and I lived together for about 6 months before I got married. She and I got really close, we even shared a bedroom. Her husband was overseas for the Marines so I helped her through many of hard times. She said I was very independent. Well any ways she was saying how I am able to handle myself without the need of others. It made me feel good that people think I can really handle myself. I guess I don't really know how it's to be not needed. I like helping people in any way I can. I guess I don't like the idea of needing someone else's help. I think that most of my time this week I have spent either in the store or sitting alone at home or at work. I haven't really had to much contact with people. I have not made my usual huge amount of phone calls and I guess I have kept to myself.
One of this that I used to tell him was that he was my guardian angel because when we first met I was really depressed. He was the one thing that was able to bring me back to my normal self again. He has always been my shining star! So what happens when the shine from that star starts to fade? I am worried that something bad will happen when my mind gets to wonder all the time without Joe to keep my mind focused. People need to help me and I got to get over my fear of asking for help.