I want to write, but don't know what to say

So anyone who has been in a long distance relationship for one reason or another will kind of know where this is coming from. So there is only so much you can be saying on the phone or only so many thing you can say while chatting online. I am meeting that breaking point. Joe has never been one for words, we would do stuff together instead of just sitting around and talk. So the whole talking this has really been getting at me lately. I am not one for words myself. They either don't come at all or they come in big bursts. So when I actually get the big burst feeling of things I would like to tell Joe it never works. Either he's busy, in a room full of really loud guys, or he's falling asleep because it's his bed time. Then I get discouraged and then nothing really never gets said. I'm just glad to see him. The next 3 weeks cannot pass fast enough. I just want to get out of here for a little bit.

Taking Stock of Life

So today I was looking at some wedding pictures and to be honest it made me think back. I know your probably thinking I have only been married a little over a little a year and half, but my journey with Joe starts more than just a couple of years before we said are "I do's."

Joe and I started dating November 14, 2003. I was only 16 and he was 17. I was dealing with some serious personal issues (depression) when Joe came along and I always thought he was my guardian angel to be able to bring me out of the bad I was dealing with. Before Joe I was a pretty straight flier when it came to life and church standards. Joe and myself caused a lot of trials for ourselves, but looking back I think we were supposed to hit those big stumbling blocks to realise what we really wanted. All I ever wanted from him was to join the church. That was one of the biggest trials we went through. He didn't want to join and we would have screaming matches over it sometimes. One day he decided it was time. He was 20 when he started the lessons and was 21 when he got baptised.

Funny story on Joe's 21st birthday I did an Easter egg hunt for him for him. In the Easter eggs where puzzle pieces that when he put them together it said "will you marry me Joe????" Of course he said yes. We were married roughly 7 months later, but only planed it 2 and a half months before we walked down the aisle. We had a civil marriage for a couple of reasons the biggest one was that Joe was not a member for a year when we got married. We were married November 24, 2007. Exactly 4 years and 10 days after we started dating.

So Marriage has been my greatest blessing. There is nothing like sharing your body and soul with another person who you love so much. I love that man more and more. I would love him more if I could see once in awhile. LOL! He has been my strength, my guidance, and my inspiration when things are just going all wrong.

In church I have been in the Primary for over a year now. I teach the sun beams/ctr 5's. These are great kids. The size of the class has fluctuated a lot in that last year. I think there was like 8 or 9 in there when I first got called. Then there was around 12 for a little while. Now we are at 9 of the usual people. When I first got called I thought the class with my sister-in-law Andrea and then after she left is when they actually split the class into two different classes for a little while and then when that teacher left I got the whole group! I have had a rather large group (anywhere for like 6 to 12) by myself for over 6 months now. This last Sunday they assigned another teacher for the class. I am excited. Granted this women has a kid in my class and a couple other in older groups in primary, but it's nice to have an adult to be around closely when you are in primary. This calling has been my greatest blessing. I love how happy kids can get over a simple coloring project. I also love this kids and will be sad when it comes time to leave.

So to be honest I am very nervous about moving. I have never lived out of state before. I am also very nervous about being pregnant away from home. I have almost this over whelming fear of having Joe on a ship when I go into labor. Granted if that happened that would be steps to be taken before that point, but it really just freaks me out. I am also kind of freaked out by the idea of possibly being in a huge ward that I will be easily over looked. I love getting my home teachers and visiting teachers over. That is some of my most favorite stuff. I have had good ones and bad ones. I just need to be noticed, and a huge ward doesn't seem to offer that for me.

I guess looking to the future (though I probably will revisit this in a later blog) I am excited, scared, and nervous about what the future holds. I have no doubt that the choices we have made are right. We have prayed a lot about the choices of the navy and children. Sometimes things don't make sense to us now, but I know it's the right thing to do. Who knows where life will take us next, but as long as I have the spirit and Joe with me I know I can do anything!

Tell No One

So I know it's pretty late, but I just got done watching a foreign film. I am pretty sure it was french, but I watched it dubbed. Holy crap it was one of the craziest movies I have ever seem. Granted it is pretty graphic, and it wasn't rated, it would be on the border of a pg-13 and a R. But pretty much to give a summary you have a happy couple that are on vacation at the lake where the man is knocked out and his wife is killed. His wife is dead and barred for 8 years, but then he starts getting these e-mails 8 years later from his "wife" and it makes you wonder if the police are setting him up is the huge crime or if he is going crazy. So with all the twist and turns that you have to pay close attention to, it's so worth it! It was crazy! I have no idea who could make a movie like that, it must be those crazy foreigners. But honestly you want a movie that really keeps you interested in for the next turn of events this is definitely one you should look into. It was all over the place, but then it wraps up nicely like a perfect present on Christmas day. I guess I should stop writing and go to bed. Awesome movie though! At the end you are filled with joy, shock, and wonder. Amazing movie!!!!

Swimming Alone

So yesterday I decided early (like 10 in the morning early) that I wanted to go swimming. Joe thought that was a great idea as he himself was walking the beach of the gulf of Mexico. So there is a little water park here in town that I have never been to since they made it like 4 or 5 years ago. So I decided that is where I wanted to go. I did end up going alone, because I am sick of calling a bunch of people who don't pick up or want to do anything. So I didn't call anyone and just went myself. Silly me thought it was a good idea to not wear sun screen and do some tanning while i was there. Both ended up in a horrible disaster. You can see the entire outline of my swim suite with the contrast between white and bright red.
So shortly after swimming a went to a grad party for someone from church. It was a lot of fun because there was a nice turn out of church people that made it. So the burn was starting to start even before it got there. But the thing that kind of bothered me was that some people thought it was pedifilish to go to a water park by yourself that was filled with little kids. But to be honest when I got there, there really wasn't that many people there. I guess adults (like parents age) thought it was just fine I went, but said if I was a guy that would be weird. So all I know that I did have fun except for the burn.
Apparently people who saw me at the grad party didn't think i looked that burned, but today at church everyone seemed to notice. Everyone commented on it and it was annoying. I know I'm burnt so why say anything? So at church they put another teacher into my class again. I have been teaching alone probably since around Novemberish of 08. So my class has gotten pretty big again. There is on average 8 kids and if the other kids that periodically show up come it's closer to 12. So it can be a lot to handle when your that out numbered by little kids that just want to talk to each other. So I'm really happy. She's a really nice lady, new family in the branch. One of her kids is in the class and her child is named Bailey. I really like her. I'm excited!

The voice

So I cannot begin to understand how hearing the wrong tone of voice makes me upset. Like someone will say something they think is funny and it will send me in this horrible uproar of bad emotions. I am way to sensitive for my own good. On the bright side lately things seem to have a silver lining. My mother-in-law and I have made peace, but now she seems to want me to come over and see her and my father-in-law all the time. Cripes! I have a life and I don't want to see Joe's parents more than I see my own. Most weeks I see my mom at church on Sunday and that's about it.
So Joe and I had an argument over the phone yesterday. It really was no big deal and I probably was over reacting, but something set me off. I was in tears in a flash and then a black cloud of doubt swirled around me for awhile. It really sucks when that happens. But then Joe and I usually don't talk over things well when we are apart, because he didn't know something upset me without seeing the look on my face and I am to embarrassed to bring it up again in fear that I will feel bad again.
But something also awesome happened yesterday. There is an amazing artist from church that I have known for many of years. We had started a painting together like 2 years ago or maybe even closer to 3, not sure. But I called him yesterday to try to figure out what on earth it would take for him to finish it so I could have it. Then he tells me he should have it done by the middle of the month next month! I'm so freaken excited! The painting looked good have finished. I cannot wait to see what it will look like when it's all done!
So lately I have really been thinking a lot. The world around me really set up my mood or tear me down. Sometimes I just wish I could hop on a plane and just see Joe for one night. I guess I have never been so far away and see him for that brief weekend after boot camp doesn't feel like much of anything most times. I guess I just don't know what to do with myself. I need to feel him next to me most of the time to feel comfortable, and since I don't get that luxury I am often feeling lonely and depressed. I have some good friends who call regularly and see how I am doing. Just wish I did more doing that talking though. Most of the friends that call are out of state, so that doesn't make my social calender any fuller! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!

Wife for Hire

So I took some peoples advice and went to the library and checked out some books. I don't know the last time I was at the library for a book, the company I work for cleans there so that's usually what I'm doing there. It was funny because I was sure my account would not be good anymore, but it was still open and I even had a dollar fine. HAHA!
So any who I got 5 books and yesterday (when I got the books) I actually read one in full. It's called Wife For Hire by Marilyn Shank. It was such a cute book. It's a romance book that never turned steamy (that goodness). What it did offer was morals and how a simplest of touches can make your heart skip a beat, or how a simple kiss can melt your heart.
So basically it's about a man named Clayborn Forrester who loves his family more than anything. His dad is in failing health and his dad ever wanted for his kids were to be as happily married as him and his mom. So Clay hires an actress named Gabriella Gibson to play his pretend wife.
Of course Clay is the drop dead sexy rancher and Gaby is the beautiful acting teacher. They are fighting attraction the whole story and it's cute. Some parts made me giggle loudly because of just how cute it was. So in a turn of events things go horribly wrong, but they some how work themselves out for one of the cutest endings in a book I have seen in a long time.

crazy thing keep happening

So on Tuesday there was a drive by shooting by the geto gas in fond du lac! A DRIVE BY in fondy? Who on earth would have thought of that. How bad has this city become? So there's that and a friend of mine who got married really close to me told me she's getting divoriced. I hate divorice. It makes me feel uneasy about my own marriage and I know it shouldn't but it does. It makes me wonder if other people can't make it what makes me special. Granted I do have the church which helps a lot and being sealed is another, but it still makes me sad. I guess I shouldn't worry about it because Joe is still the single most important thing to me and I love him so very much beyound what I thought I could love a single person. THE END!

This is going to be random.

So there are a lot of things on my mind right now, but I don't know how to organize them. So I have been thinking a lot lately why so many people like the twlight saga. Most of the girls I talk about it to (I only know to guys to have read it) love it. So I was thinking why do so many girls like it when I didn't really care for it, so I have made some groups of why these girls like it so much.
There are the "moms" the women who have been married quite awhile and have several kids (more than just 1) and they see the romance story in the book and they want it back in their lives. I am not saying they are unhappy with their marriages, but miss the flirty sexy appeal of when they first got married.
There are the "women living in hurt" these are the women who are divoriced, or have had a really serious realationship end. They miss the times of being with someone and see this book as maybe a thing that one day will happen to them again.
There are the women "who are to young to know better" who are still in high school and have these high hopes of maybe landing this amazing guy like Edward or even Jacob and living happily ever after.
I don't fall into any of these, so I think that's why I don't like the book. HEHE!
So lately I have been having this really hard time with Joe being gone. All I want to do is sleep. Work has become hard (not like hard physically but mentally) and I just don't want to be there. Also, I just feel like I don't know what to talk to Joe about on the phone. It really puts a damper on things when you don't even know what to talk to your husband who you have been with for the last 5 and a half years. It really sucks, so nothing really gets said most of the time and today I freaked out. I made myself an emotional wreck with just all these stuid thoughts and then I picked a fight with Joe over them. Joe being such a great guy just took it. He tired to figure out what is bothering me, but all I really want is just him. I have no idea what I am going to do with the next 4 years. I hope that I can have been distractions. Hopefully I will have a job that I acutally like and not just stuck at because I can't find anything better.
Thanks all who made comments on my last post. I hope I can do something different that will give me new light. I need something that's for sure.

Man I am going to die of boardem!

So really I just need something to do to distract me till Joe calls me back for the last time tonight before he goes to bed. I can honestly say my time lately has been just horrible. My apartment is messy (which you would think with only one person it should be clean right), there is piles of stuff to go through, there are things that need to be sorted (like those boxes that never got unpacked when we moved here), and there is probably like a million other things to be done. But you know what I have been doing? Nothing! I watch movies and play on the computer. I go out with friends from time to time, but that usually involves money (because Fondy is so gay) because I like to eat lunch. I also do go to one friend's house from time to time and we just end up watching movies and he's been sick so and out of town recently so that leaves me again home.
I have been reading a lot lately. Anything from planning pregnancy to this book about changing your life around. I guess I will pretty much read anything that seems slightly appealing, because there is nothing else out there for me to do. Well, I could clean. LOL!

Scary Movie!

So I keep watching these scary movies! I guess I am just dumb and don't learn well. The one I watched tonight wasn't half as bad as the other one I watched.
Tonight I watch Prom Night. I always wanted to see it, because it's suppose to be one of the greatest nights of your high school like, but the idea of it become a horrible night full of murder and following a killer totally caught my attention. Joe probably wouldn't have watched it with me, so I had to get it after he was gone.
But the other one I watched was Quarantine. That movie wasn't very good acting wise and stuff, but it was crazy scary! I totally played off those bad emotions and made me freak out. I was scared to be in a dark room, so I had to turn the light on right after I turned off the I just turned off as I made my way to my bedroom.
Another movie that I watched was a movie called Let the Right one In. It was a foreign film about vampires. It wasn't all that scary, just incredibly creepy. It was about a 12 year old girl vampire who most of the movie is covered in the blood of people that she had killed. She falls for a human 12 year old boy and they end up running away together. I heard about it from an article that I read about different vampire movies and it was on the list. Any who. Maybe I will have to get some funny movies off my netflix so that i don't have to be freaked out anymore. LOL!

Sigh!

So today is 3 weeks since I last got to see Joe. It doesn't even really feel like I saw him then. The time feels like it's just being added all the way back to March 23rd when I last saw him here in town. I don't know what to do. There is so much that I miss that I don't know what to do with myself.
Joe is not a big phone talker and it's almost painful to look back at our conversations. He is like never alone. He is usually in a room that seems to be full or at least a couple of people that have people being really loud in the back ground. It bothers me to have to yell to talk to him. The more time on we are talking on the phone, there are less and less things to talk about. I keep felling almost hurt that nothing really ever gets said. I don't know what to do. We don't have kids to talk about and we don't really lead exciting lives at the moment.
We have figured out some video chatting, but even that is not the same. We mostly will send photos over the phone to each other or just texts words of love to each other. I miss the intimacy that you have when someone is in the same room. I miss him physically being here. We are toying with the idea of me going out to see him, but it's going to be really expensive and we are trying so badly to cut debt. So i don't even know what to do, because I just miss him so much that I would give almost anything to just see him tomorrow.
I really am going alittle crazy. I feel like the time I need someone to stretch a hand of friendship the most is now and no one is there. I tried to get some people to go see a movie with me, and 3 people out of a lot said they would go and only 1 actually did come. What the heck is up with that? I guess it just bothers me that no one seems to think of this more than just me being sad. My soul mate is like 800 miles away and the people who said they would be here to distract me aren't here and I am the one who has to pay for it! The things that help me cope is cleaning, sleeping, and just wondering around stores. Because really I spend like 90% of my free time (while not at work) alone. I just sit here in this apartment alone and mostly sit on the computer to feel like I am somewhere else. I am not coping well, but I don't know what else to do. Joe I miss you!