Getting close to a week

So in about 12 hours from right now will be exactly a week since I last saw Joe. I don't know what I am doing yet. Living alone is really messing me up emotionally, physically and mentally. The place is a mess because I haven't had anyone over for the last week. I still go through my spirts of being upset and ushally cry alittle and I just haven't felt the same since last week. Things that I didn't think about before Joe are really starting to get to me. I didn't think missing intamacy of having him here would affect me so much. I miss coming home to a hug and a kiss after a long days work. I miss having a warm body in my bed who would talk to me until I felt ready to go to sleep. I miss the person who would give me a message or just cuddle with me. Everything I miss I think I miss just because I know I can't have it. I can't have him here and so I miss everything!
I was at my parents for dinner tonight and after wards I went for a small drive through lakes side park (a place Joe and I would go for a drive in all the time) and I just decided I couldn't go home and just sit there all night. I decided to call my friend Jason and ask him over for a movie. He inturn invited me to his place, which was fine. So I spent most of the first half there talking to his cousin that just wanted to talk about going out to the bar and the second half I spent with Jason, Jeremy, and Nate (Jeremy and Nate are Jason's 2 roommates). I have known these 3 guys a long time. Jason I have known since like kindergarden and Nate and Jeremy would be since like 8th grade or so. So I guess I was just happy to spend time with someone. Then I started to think that there really aren't to many people I can just call up at 9 o'clock at night for a movie. I wish I had a group of people I could just call at 1 o'clock in the morning and do something with, but I don't think there is really anyone. Nights are ushally hard in everything for me. I am lucky this last week I ushally came home from work really tired and did stuff till I was about to fall asleep and just crawl into bed and sleep. But I know nights are going to be getting hard, because they aren't as easy as they have been. I am not sure why, but i don't know what to do about it.
I need to figure out what to do with Joe's stuff. I guess if I put his stuff out of sight it's like I won't think about him. I don't want that. It's funny, his shoes are still by the door, his coat still hanging on the back of a chair, and his razors are still on the counter in the bathroom. I don't want him to really be gone. I want him still here like he had never left. I wish I could just tell him I love him more than anything!

2 Minute Call and a Dead Man's Box

So on Tuesday Joe made a 2 minute call to possibly me because if he called me I had no signal and he didn't leave a message and he called his parents who had their phone off. All he said when he left a message for them was "goodbye." So the one phone call he gets for only 2 minutes and no idea when he will get again to call again and he got to talk to no one! I feel so bad. I just wanted to tell him that I was proud of him and that I love him so much, because I don't know if I if I told him I loved him right as he was leaving. Even though I know he must know with all his heart that I do love him. I miss him!
So Micke warned me about getting a box of the clothes that my brother was wearing (even his underwear) and it was all put in a box. So when she got her box she said it was really creepy like he was dead. So we started to call it "the dead man's box." I got my box in the mail today. I was hoping there was going to be a note or something, but all there was was the writing of the address (which Joe wrote) on the outside of the box.
I was talking to my friend Chia this week and she said something that completely took me by surprise. Her and I lived together for about 6 months before I got married. She and I got really close, we even shared a bedroom. Her husband was overseas for the Marines so I helped her through many of hard times. She said I was very independent. Well any ways she was saying how I am able to handle myself without the need of others. It made me feel good that people think I can really handle myself. I guess I don't really know how it's to be not needed. I like helping people in any way I can. I guess I don't like the idea of needing someone else's help. I think that most of my time this week I have spent either in the store or sitting alone at home or at work. I haven't really had to much contact with people. I have not made my usual huge amount of phone calls and I guess I have kept to myself.
One of this that I used to tell him was that he was my guardian angel because when we first met I was really depressed. He was the one thing that was able to bring me back to my normal self again. He has always been my shining star! So what happens when the shine from that star starts to fade? I am worried that something bad will happen when my mind gets to wonder all the time without Joe to keep my mind focused. People need to help me and I got to get over my fear of asking for help.

He's Gone

So I won't get my 2 minute phone call from Joe till later on today, but he's been gone about 11 hours. I have so far only had like 3 very short break downs. I am kinda worried about going to bed, but I am also so tired from getting up so early that maybe I can get pass this night ok. Last night we had the missionaries from our church over and they gave Joe a blessing which I think has really helped me out today. So may people have have offered help and I am so happy for that. I don't know what to ask of people. Can I invite myself over to some one's house for dinner? I think that's all I really want is to be in a family environment for dinner, because even though Joe and I don't always just sit at that table for dinner or even always eat in the same room or same time, but we did most of the time eat together. I think I am going to miss someone to talk to when I get home or eating or any time. I guess right now I will get to you, I didn't really call anyone today, just kept to myself. What am I going to do? Call 3 different friends and probably leave 3 different messages about how lonely I am and then when they call back I retell the same story of Joe leaving to 3 different people. So I didn't want to talk to anyone.
So I think I can handle all this stuff that is going to be going on for the next couple months. It's not like we didn't know he was leaving, cripes, we had this date probably a good 4 months at least. So I guess it's all kinda been preparation for the now since we got the date. I guess it's just strange that all Joe's stuff is still everywhere and some of his clothes are still dirty and he is gone. So many reminders are here all around me of him just being here yesterday. So I think it's going to be hard to go through his clothes (to take to good will because he doesn't wear like half of them and don't worry we talked about it before he left), see his gaming systems (which I guess I am suppose to try to play all the games which there are like 30 game), and see his car (which I am now driving) and just everything else. I think it'll be hare and I guess I wish I had some kind of distraction like a pet or something to just give me love and know that it's all going to be ok. I know it's going to be ok, but I guess I will just need to be reassured some times. I just love him so much and it's going to be hard. I wonder if he will even cry once, doubt it. It's going to be a test of faith.

It's almost time

So one thing that I have been really thinking about is kids. Like Joe and I will be married a year and a half in May. Joe and I have been talking about once he gets stationed (that's if he doesn't get deployed right away) about starting a family. He was talking today about if I would be scared to be in a brand new place and having a baby, but you know what, even if it was just the two of us and he ended up leaving for a deployment I think I would be good. I just know kids is something that feels right in the near future, but it will be alittle odd just being away from everyone.
Joe is leaving Monday. We are having a party for him in like 10 hours. I should be sleeping because I have to be awake in like 5 and a half hours to get ready for church. So I guess I am just wondering what Monday will bring.

I don't know what to think

So the navy has told Joe that he has to be on a strict diet until he leaves for boot camp. He also is working out like 4 hours a day with a recruiter! So the diet is the thing that is keeping me up tonight. He is on the cabbage soup diet, and he decided that he needed some for breakfast tomorrow! So It only took me about 4 hours to prepare and make the stupid soup! Where is Joe you may ask? Well he's been sleeping well around 4 hours now! So I am just waiting for the soup to be done simmering or whatever you call soup cooking. I got about 30 minutes yet.

There is a temple trip in about 4 and half hours and I feel bad but I don't think I'm going. It's not the lack of sleep because the last one I think i got about 2 hours of sleep before because they left at like 6 something in the morning. But it's the fact that I can come up with so many excuses for not going. I am on call for work and I'm not suppose to leave the city let alone the state in case they need me to come into work. But out of the last year and a half of on call weekends I have yet to be called in and I bet even if I did get called in my co-worker that works the weekend would probably gobble up the hours with glee! Another excuse is the fact Joe has to go work out again tomorrow morning in Oshkosh and won't be home in time for the departure time. So I don't want to go without him because this is his second to last weekend home! But hopefully we can still make it before he leaves because I think we both need this more than anything.

So I was listening to the song "kiss the rain" by someone unknown to me at this time. It basically talks about being away from the one you love and you kiss the rain because you can't kiss the person you really want to because they are away. It I guess was the first time I really thought about Joe really being gone from me. That my lips really might get lonely and thirsty for his kiss. Maybe if I kiss the rain it will help me out in one way or another. I am glad that there is one more weekend after this with Joe. I took off next Friday to just make that weekend a little bit longer. When I asked my boss if I could have it off he made this big scene with the "awww" but it wasn't the cutesy kind but like the whiny kind of aww. If I could go back there and ask him the longest he's been away from his wife, I bet it wouldn't be half as long as I will be without Joe. I wish I could go back and make him feel bad for the scene that he put me through. I guess I don't know what to think.

I wish I had someone I could talk to about all my struggles without wanting to turn the conversation to themselves. I have noticed that when I talk to people (except for Joe others which you know who you are) they actually let me speak until I am done because they take over the rains of the conversation and for the next 20 minutes I'm stuck with just "umm" "okays" or how ever you can say that you understand. Don't get me wrong everyone has their own crap going on just like I do, but I just need someone to talk to sometimes. I need someone to talk to about my struggles with family, Joe, and whatever is bothering me. Joe and I have been struggling with the conversations, and I think it's just are short tempers with his impending leaving. I don't want to show that I am scared to death for that first day. Because he'll leave and life keeps going. I'll go to work and hopefully no one says a peep about him because I am probably going to lose it. Hopefully I will be working alone in my buildings so that when I feel the tears coming I can just let them come do their job and leave without someone looking over their shoulder at me thinking anything one way or another. That would be nice. So I guess how all my fellow full time co-workers and I start work from this little office where my boss John sits at his deck making small talk with my co-workers as we slowly trickle in from around 4:45 till 5:00 o'clock. There are about 6 full timers that all sit in this small office just waiting for John to finish his random story for the day, but if he puts me in the spot light that day, I will cry and that's always awkward for everyone. So hopefully it'll just be a good work day where no bad stuff happens in my buildings that make my temper flare because I will just start crying uncontrollably and I don't think that is going to end well for me. I think my soup is almost done. If you actually sat there and read this, I feel sorry for you, but also happy that you would care that much to just read all my worries and complaints at this time! Love you!

The Alarm is blown!

So tonight I was cleaning with my co-worker Steve and we were at are second building just doing what we normally do. The starange thing is that this is a building we are used to cleaning around people and tonight the place was empty. I checked the alarm when we got in the building and it looked like they forgot to set it. Ushally when an alarm doesn't make noise, doesn't have a flashing red light, or doesn't say the word "armed" on it you think you are in the clear. But tonight was not that case. So we cleaned are normal hour and so minutes and as we are grabbing are gear to head out I once again have to look at the alarm. I flash my card on it and it says something about unarming! So I know it's all down hill! But just at that same time two cops show up and say the alarm was blown! This is a bad event because someone (either the company I clean) for or the bank gets charged like a $75 fee for having to have the cops come out. So I don't know what is going to happen, because there may in fact be something wrong with the alarm but what I do know is that even the cops had to have me call my boss to get a key holder (someone from that back who in charge of these kind of events) because they couldn't get a hold of anyone on their list of names and numbers. So while we killed over a half hour waiting for a key holder it was just really weird standing in a small hallway with Steve and two men in blue. So I guess I will always be checking those stupid alarms and just hope that for now on they will make that annoying sound they make when you enter a building. So stupid that it didn't!

Another Year Another Birthday

So on March 4th I turned 22! I keep saying it's the balarina birthday because of the to-to. HAHA! Get it? On my actually birthday I took the day off from work and spent it with Joe. We went to lunch with his mom and nephew at IHOP! It was nice even though this between his mom and me have been alittle scetche, but I guess that made up for most of it. After that we just had a relaxing day, spent most of the day indoors getting the place actually cleaned for once. All in all it was a nice day!
So yesterday I had a birthday party for friends which I thought was going to be a blast till a lot of people who said they were coming didn't come for one reason or another, so when I thought it was going to be close to 10 when we really had 5 people. So it was still fun don't get me wrong I guess just that we got a lot of snacks and stuff that we didn't even eat was alittle sad. Oh well!
So that gets me to the point I am going to try to make. As you get older and you are pretty much the only one married out of the group (there are three friends who are my age and married, but don't live in state DANG NEW YORK and Cali!). Everyone seems to forget you and it's a little depressing at times. I really worry about when Joe leaves. I don't really have all those people I feel like I can turn to like when I was 19. I really have no one I can talk to like I talk to Joe and I know I am really going to need someone to talk to. So I worry that I will just have a bunch of walls and nothing to do. Don't get my wrong I have a few good friends, but nothing will fill that hole Joe will leave. Maybe this all just goes for getting older.